Reading for families
Because we love, when a loved one dies we feel sorrow and grief. These reactions are both normal and healthy. When death takes a loved one, life seems empty and the future dark. As Jews we have guidance at sad times in our lives and specific, outlined ways to deal with death and its grief. The Jewish rituals and practices help us to express our grief rather than repress it, to talk about our loss with friends, and to move step by step from inactivity to normal living.
This page was written to provide a basic understanding of the customs as observed in traditional Judaism. It does not include the entire Jewish law on the subject, and it is offered to explain our traditions, not to replace your rabbi — who is the right address for every question that comes up.
Call a funeral home that serves the Jewish community to arrange for proper care of the deceased, and contact your rabbi to assist you and help arrange the funeral. If funeral pre-arrangements have not been made, you can ease the strain of planning by having someone — perhaps a close friend or family member — help you make decisions.
Set a time and place for the funeral with your rabbi and the funeral home. Our tradition prefers having the funeral as soon as possible after death occurs; however, there are times when a delay is proper. The service can be held at the synagogue, at the funeral home, or at the graveside.
Telephone immediate family, close friends, and employer or business colleagues. Once the funeral time has been set, prepare the obituary. Items to consider including: age, place of birth, occupation, degrees, memberships in organizations, military service or noteworthy achievements. List survivors in the immediate family, give the time and place of the funeral, and suggest where memorial contributions may be made.
Choose the pallbearers — six people who can carry the casket. A Kohen may not serve as a pallbearer, and it is customary not to choose immediate family members. You may choose as many others as you wish to serve as honorary pallbearers. You will discuss the eulogy with the rabbi: be open and give as much personal insight as possible. Avoid false or exaggerated praise; tell the good things enthusiastically.
The period between death and burial is called aninut, and the bereaved is called an onen. The prime responsibility of the onen is to arrange the funeral. During this time an onen is exempt from positive mitzvot — tefillin and prayer are not obligatory — though an onen who finds it helpful to express feelings through prayer may do so. Only relatives or very close friends should visit during this time, primarily to help make arrangements for the funeral and shiva. After the funeral, a mourner is known as an avel. One is a mourner by obligation for parents, children, siblings or a spouse.
Our tradition has long stood for simplicity in funerals and mourning. A simple wooden casket is preferred, and Jewish law and tradition call for burial in the ground. Before the met (the deceased) is dressed for burial, we observe the ritual of tahara, the ritual washing, performed by the chevra kadisha, the holy society. The chevra kadisha dresses the body in traditional burial shrouds called tachrichim, simple white garments.
Jewish tradition does not allow autopsies. There are times when an autopsy might be required by law; each case must be reviewed independently, and you should speak to your rabbi. Jewish tradition frowns on embalming, and it is against Jewish law.
Flowers are not part of Jewish mourning practice. In the spirit of honoring the memory of the dead by helping the living, suggest in the obituary that in lieu of flowers, donations be directed to an appropriate charity. If flowers are sent, share them with the living by giving them to a hospital, a nursing home or another institution where they could give some joy to others.
A few minutes before the funeral begins, the first formal act of mourning takes place: kriah, the tearing of one's garment, a centuries-old symbol of inner grief. Mourners stand as they perform it, and before the cut is made they recite a blessing which is a reaffirmation of faith.
A funeral can be held at the synagogue, the funeral home or the graveside. A service held only at the graveside includes the same elements as one begun elsewhere; it is shorter because certain elements are repeated when a service is held in two locations, and it is no less dignified nor less giving of honor to the deceased. The funeral service is brief: selections from Psalms are read and a eulogy, depicting the life of the deceased as a guide for the living, is given. Kel Maleh Rachamim, which expresses our faith in the immortality of the soul, is recited on most days. At the graveside, the service consists of Tziduk Hadin, a prayer expressing our acceptance of G-d's decisions, followed by Kaddish and Kel Maleh.
After the burial (except on special days), those attending form two lines to let the mourners pass between them, and say the traditional words of comfort:
Hamakom yenachem etchem betoch she'ar aveilei Tziyon viYerushalayim — May G-d comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.
After the casket is fully in the grave, the interment is begun by shoveling some earth into the grave. This mitzvah is known as chesed shel emet, true loving-kindness: it demonstrates our continuing concern for the deceased as we make sure the final journey is completed. Taking part has been shown to be of great psychological benefit for mourners, as an important act of finality and closure.
Should children attend? There is no hard and fast rule. If a child is old enough to understand the purpose of the funeral and to know that people will be upset, then generally that child should attend, sitting with an adult he or she knows. Children need the opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one as adults do; it is not good to deprive a child who is old enough to understand of the chance to say farewell and begin to grieve.
Shiva lasts seven days. The day of the funeral is the first day, and one hour of the seventh day counts as a full day. Shiva is suspended on Friday afternoon and resumed after Shabbat is over. If a major holiday — Pesach, Shavuot, Sukkot, Rosh Hashana or Yom Kippur — falls during the shiva period, shiva is concluded on the afternoon of the eve of the festival; speak to your rabbi for the details.
The shiva period begins after the interment with a simple meal called seudat havra'ah, the meal of consolation. There is a custom to rinse one's hands with water from a cup three times on each hand, alternately, before entering the house for the meal. The meal is traditionally not prepared by the mourners themselves but provided by family and friends. The menu traditionally includes hard-boiled eggs, symbols of life, and round foods such as lentils, which symbolize the turning of the wheel of life with its ups and downs. Neither meat nor wine, two symbols of joy, should be served at this meal.
Mourners should try to stay together at the place where shiva is observed. If they cannot, they may sleep in their own homes and return to the shiva house in the morning. Mourners should not go to work during this time: in its wisdom, our tradition recognizes that when a major change in life has taken place, the survivor needs to step out of everyday activity for a while. If it is imperative to go back to work, one may return after three full days — but this does not end shiva; after the work day, one returns home and resumes its observance.
A number of practices accompany shiva. A seven-day candle is lit upon returning from the cemetery. Mourners refrain from marital relations and avoid forms of entertainment during the week. There is a custom to cover the mirrors in the home, to show that we reduce the importance normally placed on personal vanity. Mourners are encouraged to observe the customs of not wearing leather shoes and of sitting on low stools, which show that we change the way we live during this time.
People pay shiva calls to fulfill the mitzvah of nichum aveilim, comforting the mourners. These visits show the community's concern at a time of loss, and help the mourners release the feelings of isolation or desertion that are natural after the death of a loved one. Conversation should center on the life and memories of the departed. Contrary to popular belief, talking about the deceased is helpful to the mourner; such conversations help the process of grief begin. If you have been through a time of personal grief and the mourner asks how you felt or how you managed, share your own experience — mourners often take comfort in knowing that others have felt the same. Mourners are not obligated to have food or drink available for those who visit.
It is traditional to hold services at a house of shiva; your synagogue can usually lend prayer books and kippot for use in the home, and family members or friends can lead the service. Set the service times with your rabbi. If a family does not have morning and evening services at home during the week of shiva, it is proper to attend services at the synagogue and then return home. During shiva, mourners attend Shabbat services at the synagogue on Friday evening and Saturday morning.
The length of the mourning period varies with the mourner's relation to the deceased. For all but parents, avelut, the mourning period, ends with shloshim, thirty days after the funeral. For parents, the mourning period lasts a full Hebrew year. Shloshim is the second stage of mourning: mourners may return to their regular activities in business and at home, but it is appropriate to refrain from festive activities such as movies, theater or parties.
Kaddish can only be said in the presence of a minyan of ten. Children are obligated to say Kaddish, as are parents who lose a child. Saying Kaddish is especially helpful to the survivor, since it offers both regularity in life and social contact with others at a disconcerting time. When the mourning period is a year, Kaddish is recited for eleven months and a day. One fulfills the obligation by attending daily and Shabbat services. If it is not possible to attend daily, efforts should be made to say Kaddish on a regular basis, as often as possible, or at least on Shabbat. For those unable to attend regularly there is a custom of arranging for someone to say Kaddish on their behalf — ask your rabbi.
The dedication of a grave marker is led by the rabbi. The usual ceremony consists of selections from Psalms, a prayer, and Kel Maleh; if there is a minyan, Kaddish is recited as well. The custom is not to wait too long before the unveiling — in any case, not more than a year after the passing. Each cemetery has its own rules for monuments; ask the office before ordering the stone.
Yahrzeit is observed each year on the date of death according to the Hebrew calendar, so its date on the secular calendar varies from year to year; most synagogues notify members of the date if the records are on file. The observance lasts a full day, and it is customary to attend services that day, recite the mourner's Kaddish, and perhaps lead portions of the service. It is Jewish tradition to give to charity on a yahrzeit. The best-known custom is lighting a candle made to burn for at least 24 hours, lit the evening the yahrzeit begins; if it falls on Shabbat or a holiday, the candle is lit before the Shabbat or holiday candles. There is no formal blessing, but a meditation such as the following may be said — in your own words, or these:
Dear G-d, I light this candle on this yahrzeit of my dear ___. May I be inspired to deeds of charity and kindness to honor his/her memory. May the light of this candle be a reminder to me of the light my dear ___ brought to my life. May his/her soul be bound up in the bond of eternal life. Amen.
Yizkor, the memorial service, is recited four times a year, during the morning service: on Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, and the last days of Pesach and Shavuot. Our tradition wisely placed this service on these days, recognizing that holidays bring with them reminders of loved ones no longer with us. It is most appropriate to come to the synagogue on those mornings and join the congregation in reciting Yizkor. Many synagogues also keep memorial plaques recording the Hebrew and English name of the deceased and the Hebrew date of passing; ask your synagogue office.
Every person reacts differently to stress, grief and loss. It is not unusual for a mourner to feel low one day and well another, or for low periods to come and go for a long time after a death. These ups and downs are part of the process of returning to normal living. Our tradition understands that life will never be the same after the death of a loved one; still, it is important to try to regain a sense of normalcy as one goes through the mourning period. In cases of long-lasting or overwhelming grief, mourners are urged to speak with their rabbi or another counselor.
The issue of organ donation is much larger than the scope of this page, but two clarifications should be made. First, according to the majority of halachic authorities, in a case where an organ donation will save a life — and for no other reason — it is considered one of the greatest mitzvot. Second, organ donation involves a multitude of issues and can potentially involve many prohibitions; anyone wishing to donate an organ to save a life should consult a rabbi knowledgeable in this field, and donors should request that a rabbi be consulted and approve before the donation.
One does not like to think about death, but the loss of a loved one is something every household will experience at some time. Many people make pre-need arrangements in order to give their family peace of mind and relieve them of a financial burden. When a death does occur, families are often poorly prepared for the decisions and the costs; purchasing a burial plot in advance removes one major stressor. If you make your wishes clearly known in advance, your spouse or children will never have to ask, "Did I do the right thing? Did I do what they would have wanted?"
Write down your burial wishes and give copies to your rabbi, the funeral director, your doctor, your lawyer and your family. EverJewish's burial-wishes document is one way to do it — it records whom to call, where the deed and the will are kept, and the cemetery and funeral home you chose.
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